Dear Readers,
Today is my appointment at the Heath Center on campus. I had to schedule this appointment so they can check me out and make sure I haven't done any serious damage to my body. I had to reschedule this appointment twice because they kept scheduling me on the wrong days, and apparently my "type" of appointment takes longer than normal appointments. At first I liked the sound of that, my "type" of appointment. It made me feel important, like I had something important to take care of. But now I'm just ashamed of it. Not sure why my point of view on it has changed though. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid they're going to pity me. I normally like it when people feel bad for me because they'll listen to me and try to help me. But right now, I feel like I don't want to be helped. I want to figure this out on my own and fix myself. But this is the price that I pay for reaching out to get help. I'm almost regretting it. I mean, I haven't thrown up in more than a week now, and it wasn't even hard! I ate really well, never over ate anything. And I did it all by myself.
But then again, I could just as easily slip back into what I used to do, right? It's happened before. This has been the longest I've been able to take care of myself though, and I think I can still do it. I don't know, I really don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe because I've been seeing a counselor it makes me feel better, so as a result I eat healthy and continue to keep the food in my body. But maybe my current motivation is strong enough to keep my going (I have to wear a bikini this weekend so I want to look good). Is that motivation enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so frustrated and confused and I just want to be on my own already with nobody to bother me. I know that's not an option at this point in the game though.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Monday, May 09, 2011
Friday, May 06, 2011
Conversation With My Mom
Dear Readers,
I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.
Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.
Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Back To The Counselor
Dear Readers,
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.
I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.
I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.
I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.
I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.
I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.
I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Changing Directions
Dear Readers,
I only threw up three times over my spring break, which lasted ten days. That's not too bad! I felt like I was going to throw up more but I didn't. Unfortunately though I'm starting to develop another bad habit. I've been limiting my food to the point where my stomach hurts because I'm hungry. I haven't stopped eating all together, but I'm finding it easier and easier to limit what I eat. It seems like a good thing, but at the same time my body is begging for food, I can feel it. It's hard to ignore the pain, but every day it's been getting easier to limit the food I eat. Am I developing anorexia? I never thought I could do such a thing because I love to eat so much, which was why bulimia was so easy for me. But now that I find not eating easy, it seems as if this is my option. I don't need to throw up any more because I can limit what I eat, why would I even throw up in the first place?
I know that this isn't good for my body, I'm fully aware. But I want to be thin so bad that it hurts. I'm almost regretting getting help because they're going to tell me to eat more, and I do want to eat more, but I know that I shouldn't. Not sure what to do at this point.
Oh! And I found out that so far I lost two pounds. I guess it's good, I just wish this process would go faster.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
I only threw up three times over my spring break, which lasted ten days. That's not too bad! I felt like I was going to throw up more but I didn't. Unfortunately though I'm starting to develop another bad habit. I've been limiting my food to the point where my stomach hurts because I'm hungry. I haven't stopped eating all together, but I'm finding it easier and easier to limit what I eat. It seems like a good thing, but at the same time my body is begging for food, I can feel it. It's hard to ignore the pain, but every day it's been getting easier to limit the food I eat. Am I developing anorexia? I never thought I could do such a thing because I love to eat so much, which was why bulimia was so easy for me. But now that I find not eating easy, it seems as if this is my option. I don't need to throw up any more because I can limit what I eat, why would I even throw up in the first place?
I know that this isn't good for my body, I'm fully aware. But I want to be thin so bad that it hurts. I'm almost regretting getting help because they're going to tell me to eat more, and I do want to eat more, but I know that I shouldn't. Not sure what to do at this point.
Oh! And I found out that so far I lost two pounds. I guess it's good, I just wish this process would go faster.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Anxiety on Easter
Dear Readers,
First I'd like to say Happy Easter to those who celebrate it! My family celebrates it, so I'm happy that I'm home for it this year, since I'm in college and what not.
At the same time though, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'm going to eat too much because, well, that's what happens on Easter every year. Eat chocolate, have a big dinner, the whole nine yards. I got a chocolate bunny already. But I've decided that I'm going to just eat a little piece of it every day until it's gone. That way, I'm not overeating but I still get to eat it. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better. Just writing this post right now is making me super anxious, I'm not entirely sure why. I know the food part of making me anxious, but what happened last night with my parents is making me anxious as well. I won't go into that, it has nothing to do with my eating habits and it will only make me more angry about what happened. So I just feel this intense anxiety right now. I'm trying to tell myself to just calm down and that usually works.
My brother is making pancakes right now, and he's upset that I told him I can't eat them. I made up the excuse that they're not whole grain. Didn't make him feel any better though, so I told him that I'll eat one pancake and that seemed to make him happy. I wish it didn't have to be this way, he loves cooking pancakes for us when he can (he's 15 years old by the way, just to let you all know). I wish that I was naturally skinny and had a fast metabolism so I could eat it. But I just can't. It's fattening, fills me up, full of sugar. Everything that I can't have. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so anxious right now. I'm sure it's just a combination of things because I still have school work that I have to finish that's due soon. It's hard trying to make the anxiety go away when there are so many things that cause it. Not exactly sure what to do right now.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
First I'd like to say Happy Easter to those who celebrate it! My family celebrates it, so I'm happy that I'm home for it this year, since I'm in college and what not.
At the same time though, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'm going to eat too much because, well, that's what happens on Easter every year. Eat chocolate, have a big dinner, the whole nine yards. I got a chocolate bunny already. But I've decided that I'm going to just eat a little piece of it every day until it's gone. That way, I'm not overeating but I still get to eat it. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better. Just writing this post right now is making me super anxious, I'm not entirely sure why. I know the food part of making me anxious, but what happened last night with my parents is making me anxious as well. I won't go into that, it has nothing to do with my eating habits and it will only make me more angry about what happened. So I just feel this intense anxiety right now. I'm trying to tell myself to just calm down and that usually works.
My brother is making pancakes right now, and he's upset that I told him I can't eat them. I made up the excuse that they're not whole grain. Didn't make him feel any better though, so I told him that I'll eat one pancake and that seemed to make him happy. I wish it didn't have to be this way, he loves cooking pancakes for us when he can (he's 15 years old by the way, just to let you all know). I wish that I was naturally skinny and had a fast metabolism so I could eat it. But I just can't. It's fattening, fills me up, full of sugar. Everything that I can't have. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so anxious right now. I'm sure it's just a combination of things because I still have school work that I have to finish that's due soon. It's hard trying to make the anxiety go away when there are so many things that cause it. Not exactly sure what to do right now.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Friday, April 22, 2011
My Current Motivation
Dear Readers,
I didn't overeat today! I ate Special K cereal for breakfast, tuna for lunch, some crackers and three hershey kisses as a snack, and unfortunately I ate a whole bag of Raisinetes later on which made me feel very full. But that's literally all I ate today. I've never eaten that little in one day ever (at least not that I can remember). And it actually wasn't hard to do surprisingly. After I ate those Raisinetes though, I felt so full, and I really didn't like that. I've discovered that I hate the feeling of being full. It makes me a bit anxious, it makes me feel like I've eaten too much. I wanted to get rid of it, but I was in a movie theater so that wasn't exactly possible at the moment. My current motivation to lose weight is trying to look good for when my friend films over the summer. He enjoys filming music videos, and I always end up in them, so I want to look extra good! So that's my current goal. My other motivation is looking good in clothes that I want to buy. I won't buy clothes because I fear that I'll look fat in them. So I want to lose weight so I can look and feel good in the clothes that I long to buy and wear. Those are two good motivations in my opinion!
Sincerely,
its_only_life
I didn't overeat today! I ate Special K cereal for breakfast, tuna for lunch, some crackers and three hershey kisses as a snack, and unfortunately I ate a whole bag of Raisinetes later on which made me feel very full. But that's literally all I ate today. I've never eaten that little in one day ever (at least not that I can remember). And it actually wasn't hard to do surprisingly. After I ate those Raisinetes though, I felt so full, and I really didn't like that. I've discovered that I hate the feeling of being full. It makes me a bit anxious, it makes me feel like I've eaten too much. I wanted to get rid of it, but I was in a movie theater so that wasn't exactly possible at the moment. My current motivation to lose weight is trying to look good for when my friend films over the summer. He enjoys filming music videos, and I always end up in them, so I want to look extra good! So that's my current goal. My other motivation is looking good in clothes that I want to buy. I won't buy clothes because I fear that I'll look fat in them. So I want to lose weight so I can look and feel good in the clothes that I long to buy and wear. Those are two good motivations in my opinion!
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I Do It To Please Her
Dear Readers,
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I spring break takes up a lot of time...well not really, it just lets me relax a lot, haha. Anyway, so The counselor said that I should limit myself to throwing up only two to three times a week, which is what I told her I was normally doing. I thought maybe I might have exaggerated a bit, so I didn't think that it would be a hard task to limit myself. But strangely enough, I've already thrown up three times this week, and knowing that I need to limit myself and I can't throw up any more is a little nerve racking. I'm afraid that I'm going to slip and eat something that I shouldn't eat, or eat too much of something and want to throw up, but I know that I can't because I already threw up three times this week. It's really weird to be in this situation because I really didn't think that my condition was that serious. Apparently it is.
Now that I'm home, I have to get grief from my mom about how I look and weigh. It's not anything that she actually says, it's more of what she does. She doesn't look at me when I walk into a room, she looks at a part of my body. Lately I've been asking her what she's looking at and she just says that I either walked into her field of view or she's looking at something near me. I usually believe her, but there are times that I don't believe her. It really hurts me knowing that she's so critical. You wanna know what she said to me? My brother is very very thin and tall, and me and my sister are average height and not so thin. She told me that me and my sister should have gotten the thin trait and my brother should have gotten the bulkier trait. At first I agreed with her, and I really do, but I actually thought about what she said and realized how hurtful it was. She basically said that she wished I was skinnier, less bulky, more thin. She always says things like that. She won't out right say that I'm fat, she'll find different ways to say it so she doesn't offend me. Little does she know I'm throwing up in an attempt to get thinner and making sure I exercise so I don't get any fatter. She makes me hate my body more and more each day I'm around her. I started throwing up in the first place be cause of a comment she made about me getting heavier. And she has no idea, she doesn't see it at all.
I truly wish I had the motivation and determination to become anorexic, because if I did? I'd be so thin. And maybe she'd start making comments about how thin I am, not how muscularly built I am. Maybe she'd become concerned. I wish she would. All I want is for her to say I love you the way you are, but no. She can't even do that. She constantly puts me down in little ways, and I hate it. I try not to say hate too often because it's a strong word and I really don't hate anything, but this I truly do hate. There's nothing that I hate more in the world than my mother's comments about my body and how I look. I pray that it would stop. I pray that I'll become thinner so it will stop and I will finally be happy.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I spring break takes up a lot of time...well not really, it just lets me relax a lot, haha. Anyway, so The counselor said that I should limit myself to throwing up only two to three times a week, which is what I told her I was normally doing. I thought maybe I might have exaggerated a bit, so I didn't think that it would be a hard task to limit myself. But strangely enough, I've already thrown up three times this week, and knowing that I need to limit myself and I can't throw up any more is a little nerve racking. I'm afraid that I'm going to slip and eat something that I shouldn't eat, or eat too much of something and want to throw up, but I know that I can't because I already threw up three times this week. It's really weird to be in this situation because I really didn't think that my condition was that serious. Apparently it is.
Now that I'm home, I have to get grief from my mom about how I look and weigh. It's not anything that she actually says, it's more of what she does. She doesn't look at me when I walk into a room, she looks at a part of my body. Lately I've been asking her what she's looking at and she just says that I either walked into her field of view or she's looking at something near me. I usually believe her, but there are times that I don't believe her. It really hurts me knowing that she's so critical. You wanna know what she said to me? My brother is very very thin and tall, and me and my sister are average height and not so thin. She told me that me and my sister should have gotten the thin trait and my brother should have gotten the bulkier trait. At first I agreed with her, and I really do, but I actually thought about what she said and realized how hurtful it was. She basically said that she wished I was skinnier, less bulky, more thin. She always says things like that. She won't out right say that I'm fat, she'll find different ways to say it so she doesn't offend me. Little does she know I'm throwing up in an attempt to get thinner and making sure I exercise so I don't get any fatter. She makes me hate my body more and more each day I'm around her. I started throwing up in the first place be cause of a comment she made about me getting heavier. And she has no idea, she doesn't see it at all.
I truly wish I had the motivation and determination to become anorexic, because if I did? I'd be so thin. And maybe she'd start making comments about how thin I am, not how muscularly built I am. Maybe she'd become concerned. I wish she would. All I want is for her to say I love you the way you are, but no. She can't even do that. She constantly puts me down in little ways, and I hate it. I try not to say hate too often because it's a strong word and I really don't hate anything, but this I truly do hate. There's nothing that I hate more in the world than my mother's comments about my body and how I look. I pray that it would stop. I pray that I'll become thinner so it will stop and I will finally be happy.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
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