Dear Readers,
Today is my appointment at the Heath Center on campus. I had to schedule this appointment so they can check me out and make sure I haven't done any serious damage to my body. I had to reschedule this appointment twice because they kept scheduling me on the wrong days, and apparently my "type" of appointment takes longer than normal appointments. At first I liked the sound of that, my "type" of appointment. It made me feel important, like I had something important to take care of. But now I'm just ashamed of it. Not sure why my point of view on it has changed though. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid they're going to pity me. I normally like it when people feel bad for me because they'll listen to me and try to help me. But right now, I feel like I don't want to be helped. I want to figure this out on my own and fix myself. But this is the price that I pay for reaching out to get help. I'm almost regretting it. I mean, I haven't thrown up in more than a week now, and it wasn't even hard! I ate really well, never over ate anything. And I did it all by myself.
But then again, I could just as easily slip back into what I used to do, right? It's happened before. This has been the longest I've been able to take care of myself though, and I think I can still do it. I don't know, I really don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe because I've been seeing a counselor it makes me feel better, so as a result I eat healthy and continue to keep the food in my body. But maybe my current motivation is strong enough to keep my going (I have to wear a bikini this weekend so I want to look good). Is that motivation enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so frustrated and confused and I just want to be on my own already with nobody to bother me. I know that's not an option at this point in the game though.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Monday, May 09, 2011
Friday, May 06, 2011
Conversation With My Mom
Dear Readers,
I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.
Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.
Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Back To The Counselor
Dear Readers,
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.
I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.
I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.
I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.
I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.
I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.
I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.
Sincerely,
its_only_life
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)