Conversation With My Mom

Dear Readers,

I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.

Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.

I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.

Sincerely,

its_only_life