Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.
I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.
I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.
I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.