Monday, May 09, 2011

Frustration and Confusion

Dear Readers,

Today is my appointment at the Heath Center on campus. I had to schedule this appointment so they can check me out and make sure I haven't done any serious damage to my body. I had to reschedule this appointment twice because they kept scheduling me on the wrong days, and apparently my "type" of appointment takes longer than normal appointments. At first I liked the sound of that, my "type" of appointment. It made me feel important, like I had something important to take care of. But now I'm just ashamed of it. Not sure why my point of view on it has changed though. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid they're going to pity me. I normally like it when people feel bad for me because they'll listen to me and try to help me. But right now, I feel like I don't want to be helped. I want to figure this out on my own and fix myself. But this is the price that I pay for reaching out to get help. I'm almost regretting it. I mean, I haven't thrown up in more than a week now, and it wasn't even hard! I ate really well, never over ate anything. And I did it all by myself.

But then again, I could just as easily slip back into what I used to do, right? It's happened before. This has been the longest I've been able to take care of myself though, and I think I can still do it. I don't know, I really don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe because I've been seeing a counselor it makes me feel better, so as a result I eat healthy and continue to keep the food in my body. But maybe my current motivation is strong enough to keep my going (I have to wear a bikini this weekend so I want to look good). Is that motivation enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so frustrated and confused and I just want to be on my own already with nobody to bother me. I know that's not an option at this point in the game though.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Friday, May 06, 2011

Conversation With My Mom

Dear Readers,

I spoke to my mom yesterday on the phone. I feel indifferent about it. I did as the counselor suggested, I didn't tell her everything just yet. I said that I've been seeing a counselor because I have body image issues and she suggests that I see a counselor over the summer. My mom basically said that counseling is for people that are bulimic and anorexic, so I probably won't need counseling. Little does she know, I am bulimic. But I didn't tell her that just yet. She said that we could look into seeing a Nutritionist over the summer and I could get a personal trainer too if I want. All of these things are great! But here's what's making me indifferent about it. She told me that there's really not much I can do about how I look because I'm athletic by genetics. She said I was a "big girl" but you can't pinch a piece of fat on me because I'm all muscle. And yes, I guess that's good, but I don't want to be referred to as the "big girl." I want to be skinny! Not big. That's why I feel indifferent about the conversation.

Other than that, it went well. She said that I'm a very pretty girl, and I shouldn't be worrying about how I look, I should worry about school for right now. She said that I can develop lean muscle, I'm changeable. I can change my body if I want to. Once again, all of this is great. But what I really want to hear from her is that she thinks I look beautiful the way I am and that I shouldn't change a thing. Not that I could do this and this and this to change myself if I don't like it. At the same time though, I wouldn't want her lying to me. Then again, maybe I would want her to lie to me. Ignorance is bliss.

I'm going to get a personal trainer over the summer and see a Nutritionist and possibly see a counselor while I'm not in school, so I guess things are really moving along. And I haven't thrown up once this week, which is also good I guess. I almost feel bad for not throwing up though, it's strange. I don't want to hurt my body, but I feel as if I should be throwing up in an attempt to fix myself. *Sigh*, this is so hard and frustrating.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Back To The Counselor

Dear Readers,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I tend to lose motivation for writing just as much as I lose motivation for eating healthy and being healthy. Anyway, I saw my counselor again today and this time I even shed a few tears. We talked about the disorder and my eating habits and how often I've been throwing up and everything. We talked about my mom again. We emphasized more on getting help over the summer. She kept asking if I had the option of going to a therapist while I wasn't at school. I do have the option, but I would have to tell my parents what's going on. So she suggested I let them know there's a problem, but don't give them every detail right away. After seeing the therapist for a little while, I can let them know everything and be completely honest. I think that's definitely the best plan. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but by doing this it'll ease up on the shock of things.

I started crying a bit during the session because I was explaining to her how I just want to be normal. That's all I really want. I want to look like every other skinny, normal girl, and I feel like I don't have that.

I was a little shocked when the counselor suggested Weight Watchers over the summer. I just wanted her to tell me that I look fine, just like I wanted my mom to tell me that I look fine. But instead she suggested a different kind of plan that could help me lose weight. So does this mean my image of my body isn't distorted? I really do look at fat as I think I am? It makes me want to cry. I don't think she would intentionally try to do that to me at all, but that's how I'm taking it because of how my mind works. I assume the worst.

I also realized that because of my height, I'm naturally inclined to think that I'm fatter than other people. I have a few inches on many of my friends, and it definitely inclines me to feel much much larger than them. And along with that, there are guys that I'm taller than as well and that makes me feel larger as well. There is so much more to this than I thought, it's really scary. My limit this week for throwing up is three times, just like the past few weeks. I feel like having a limit really puts my disorder into perspective. I actually have to limit myself, I feel like I could go over that limit. But I won't, I can't. I need to get healthier. At the same time however, I have a stronger desire to get skinnier.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Changing Directions

Dear Readers,

I only threw up three times over my spring break, which lasted ten days. That's not too bad! I felt like I was going to throw up more but I didn't. Unfortunately though I'm starting to develop another bad habit. I've been limiting my food to the point where my stomach hurts because I'm hungry. I haven't stopped eating all together, but I'm finding it easier and easier to limit what I eat. It seems like a good thing, but at the same time my body is begging for food, I can feel it. It's hard to ignore the pain, but every day it's been getting easier to limit the food I eat. Am I developing anorexia? I never thought I could do such a thing because I love to eat so much, which was why bulimia was so easy for me. But now that I find not eating easy, it seems as if this is my option. I don't need to throw up any more because I can limit what I eat, why would I even throw up in the first place?

I know that this isn't good for my body, I'm fully aware. But I want to be thin so bad that it hurts. I'm almost regretting getting help because they're going to tell me to eat more, and I do want to eat more, but I know that I shouldn't. Not sure what to do at this point.

Oh! And I found out that so far I lost two pounds. I guess it's good, I just wish this process would go faster.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Anxiety on Easter

Dear Readers,

First I'd like to say Happy Easter to those who celebrate it! My family celebrates it, so I'm happy that I'm home for it this year, since I'm in college and what not.

At the same time though, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'm going to eat too much because, well, that's what happens on Easter every year. Eat chocolate, have a big dinner, the whole nine yards. I got a chocolate bunny already. But I've decided that I'm going to just eat a little piece of it every day until it's gone. That way, I'm not overeating but I still get to eat it. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better. Just writing this post right now is making me super anxious, I'm not entirely sure why. I know the food part of making me anxious, but what happened last night with my parents is making me anxious as well. I won't go into that, it has nothing to do with my eating habits and it will only make me more angry about what happened. So I just feel this intense anxiety right now. I'm trying to tell myself to just calm down and that usually works.

My brother is making pancakes right now, and he's upset that I told him I can't eat them. I made up the excuse that they're not whole grain. Didn't make him feel any better though, so I told him that I'll eat one pancake and that seemed to make him happy. I wish it didn't have to be this way, he loves cooking pancakes for us when he can (he's 15 years old by the way, just to let you all know). I wish that I was naturally skinny and had a fast metabolism so I could eat it. But I just can't. It's fattening, fills me up, full of sugar. Everything that I can't have. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so anxious right now. I'm sure it's just a combination of things because I still have school work that I have to finish that's due soon. It's hard trying to make the anxiety go away when there are so many things that cause it. Not exactly sure what to do right now.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Friday, April 22, 2011

My Current Motivation

Dear Readers,

I didn't overeat today! I ate Special K cereal for breakfast, tuna for lunch, some crackers and three hershey kisses as a snack, and unfortunately I ate a whole bag of Raisinetes later on which made me feel very full. But that's literally all I ate today. I've never eaten that little in one day ever (at least not that I can remember). And it actually wasn't hard to do surprisingly. After I ate those Raisinetes though, I felt so full, and I really didn't like that. I've discovered that I hate the feeling of being full. It makes me a bit anxious, it makes me feel like I've eaten too much. I wanted to get rid of it, but I was in a movie theater so that wasn't exactly possible at the moment. My current motivation to lose weight is trying to look good for when my friend films over the summer. He enjoys filming music videos, and I always end up in them, so I want to look extra good! So that's my current goal. My other motivation is looking good in clothes that I want to buy. I won't buy clothes because I fear that I'll look fat in them. So I want to lose weight so I can look and feel good in the clothes that I long to buy and wear. Those are two good motivations in my opinion!

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I Do It To Please Her

Dear Readers,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I spring break takes up a lot of time...well not really, it just lets me relax a lot, haha. Anyway, so The counselor said that I should limit myself to throwing up only two to three times a week, which is what I told her I was normally doing. I thought maybe I might have exaggerated a bit, so I didn't think that it would be a hard task to limit myself. But strangely enough, I've already thrown up three times this week, and knowing that I need to limit myself and I can't throw up any more is a little nerve racking. I'm afraid that I'm going to slip and eat something that I shouldn't eat, or eat too much of something and want to throw up, but I know that I can't because I already threw up three times this week. It's really weird to be in this situation because I really didn't think that my condition was that serious. Apparently it is.

Now that I'm home, I have to get grief from my mom about how I look and weigh. It's not anything that she actually says, it's more of what she does. She doesn't look at me when I walk into a room, she looks at a part of my body. Lately I've been asking her what she's looking at and she just says that I either walked into her field of view or she's looking at something near me. I usually believe her, but there are times that I don't believe her. It really hurts me knowing that she's so critical. You wanna know what she said to me? My brother is very very thin and tall, and me and my sister are average height and not so thin. She told me that me and my sister should have gotten the thin trait and my brother should have gotten the bulkier trait. At first I agreed with her, and I really do, but I actually thought about what she said and realized how hurtful it was. She basically said that she wished I was skinnier, less bulky, more thin. She always says things like that. She won't out right say that I'm fat, she'll find different ways to say it so she doesn't offend me. Little does she know I'm throwing up in an attempt to get thinner and making sure I exercise so I don't get any fatter. She makes me hate my body more and more each day I'm around her. I started throwing up in the first place be cause of a comment she made about me getting heavier. And she has no idea, she doesn't see it at all.

I truly wish I had the motivation and determination to become anorexic, because if I did? I'd be so thin. And maybe she'd start making comments about how thin I am, not how muscularly built I am. Maybe she'd become concerned. I wish she would. All I want is for her to say I love you the way you are, but no. She can't even do that. She constantly puts me down in little ways, and I hate it. I try not to say hate too often because it's a strong word and I really don't hate anything, but this I truly do hate. There's nothing that I hate more in the world than my mother's comments about my body and how I look. I pray that it would stop. I pray that I'll become thinner so it will stop and I will finally be happy.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Saturday, April 16, 2011

First Official Day of Recovery

Dear Readers,

I went to my first session with the counselor, and it went very well. I've met her before, so I'm pretty comfortable talking to her. After getting past the hello how are you's, I told her that my best friend and roommates have been worried about me and I've been throwing up more often, and this is why I decided to come get help. I mentioned how I started noticing the negative effects of bulimia, my head hurting and feeling dizzy and what not. She then started asking questions about my habits, what I eat, how I feel. She also asked about my mom, and I told her basically nothing changed. If anything, I'm more confused about what she thinks because she told me that she supports me losing weight, but to my sister she said that I don't need to lose weight.

We then came up with a plan for what to do next. First, she gave me the number to the nutritionist so I can make an appointment with her. Then we made an appointment with the health center so they can make sure I haven't done too much damage to my body, which we don't think I have because I haven't been doing this for long. And last we made another appointment with her. I was surprised when she told me that we're not going to try and stop me from throwing up right away. She just said to work on not throwing up more than I normally do, to keep it at two to three times a week like it's been lately. Now that I think of it, it makes some sense. It would be hard to get me to completely stop all at once. At the same time though, I don't think it would be hard to completely stop. I estimated around two to three times a week, but I'm not really sure if I do it that often. So I don't think it'd be hard to just stop throwing up completely. But then again, you never know. I have weak spots.

Another thing that happened was trying to get me to find someone to talk to over the summer. Since my counselor is on campus, I can't see her over the summer obviously. This part scared me because this would involve telling my parents about what's been going on. I really don't want to do that, especially not tell my mom, because I know it would devastate her. I feel horrible just writing about it right now. It would break her heart, and I don't want to hurt her. The counselor said that we won't worry about that until the next time we meet though.

So now I am officially in recovery. It feels good, but at the same time it's hard. I want to lose weight, and I have destructive ways of doing it at times, and I'm afraid of having people stop me from doing it. But there are days when I know that I need help. I'm not really sure how to feel about it at this point.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

No Matter What I Do

Dear Readers,

No matter how hard I try to eat things that are healthy and low in calories, I always find that it doesn't work. Like dinner for example. I ate a salad and had oil and vinegar dressing instead of honey mustard, only to find that oil and vinegar has a lot of calories. It almost ruined my calorie count for the day. Thank goodness I didn't go over. But it's things like this that make me just want to stop eating all together. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I like eating too much and get the urges to eat all the time. I could never become anorexic for that reason, as well as the fear of my metabolism slowing down. Basically, I don't know what to do. I can't starve myself, and throwing up doesn't do anything apparently, and even when I do try to eat healthy that doesn't work.

I found out that there's a nutritionist on campus, so I think I'm going to call her. I'm going to talk to my counselor first though and see if she thinks that's a good idea. I'm not sure what the nutritionist will tell me. I know so many things about food, I have a feeling that everything she tells me will be something I already know. But it won't hurt to try I suppose. I'm just not sure what she can really do for me. Apparently, the treatment for bulimia is going to see a nutritionist.

I just feel so empty, alone, and broken. I have nobody to understand exactly what I feel, with the exception of some people on my other blog. Some of them understand completely, and that's great. But I can only relate through the internet. I feel like giving up and crying and breaking down. I'm afraid to tell anybody, I don't want to be a weight on somebody's shoulders. That's what I did to my best friend, I felt like a burden even though he told me that I wasn't. He has too many other things to deal with, problems worse than mine, and there I am bothering him. He says he likes to help me. But at the same time, I have a feeling he's lying. So what do I do?

Two more days till I see the counselor...

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Apologies

Dear Readers,

I apologize for yesterday's blog. I was ranting and cursing, and it wasn't really nice to read, so I'm sorry. I didn't end up eating too many calories yesterday and I went to the gym even though it was my rest day, so it didn't turn out so bad. It definitely made up for it. People were yelling at me on my other blog that I'm not a failure and that it's okay I had one splurge, and I know that for everyone else it's no big deal. But for me it isn't okay. That's never okay. One splurge can lead to eating too many calories for that day, and that's what I fear. I'm sick, this is how I think of things. I know they're trying to help me, but a lot of them don't understand. I do appreciate their comments though, it let's me know that people are reading and that they care to an extent, so I thank them for that.

So today is day four of the work out schedule. Yesterday was supposed to be my rest day as I said before, and I'm supposed to work out today. I'm not sure if I should just make today my rest day or not. We'll see. I know my body has to rest and recover, I don't want to over work my body and then not be able to work out at all if I get sick or something. That would ruin the whole routine, and I wouldn't want that. I'm doing this work out with other people so I don't wanna fall behind them either, I wanna do it with them.

I think I'm going to make today my rest day, tomorrow I'll work out instead of having that rest day, and Friday will become the new rest day for this week.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

What Have I Done?

Dear Readers,

I ate chocolate cake today. Chocolate fucking cake. I shouldn't have ate it! Why would I do that? I knew it would only make me feel bad about myself, why didn't I just stay away? I went to throw it up and I couldn't even do it. I threw up once and couldn't throw up any more, it was chunky and gross and awful. I'm a pig. I hate the way I look, and now look at what I did. I'm such a failure, there's something wrong with me. I don't know what to do now. Today is supposed to be my rest day in my work out schedule, but because of what I just ate I think I'm going to work out anyway. I'll only have one rest day this week. I have to make up for this, I'm a fucking cow.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Monday, April 11, 2011

One Sentence Describes It All

Dear Readers,

"Eating disorders can be dangerous, and willpower alone is not enough to overcome them." I got this from the website called The Weighting Game (http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1q76eB/theweightinggame.ivillage.com/dietfitness/2008/07/)
This quote is a prime example of what I was talking about in my last post. Will power is definitely not enough to make me better, and eating disorders are a dangerous cycle. When I saw this, I just had to post it. It says everything about what I'm thinking in just one sentence.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Day Two

Dear Readers,

Today is day two of the work out schedule. Yesterday was really well for the first day, as I wrote about before, so hopefully I'll be able to keep it up! It's not as hard as I thought. I'm writing down my calorie intake, so I know when I should and shouldn't eat, I have people doing the same work outs as me, and I'm recording how many calories I burn. If I keep all of this up, I'll be at my goal in no time!

Along with the goal though, I still have to go get help. There are days, like today for example, when I feel that I don't need help. I'm actually eating healthy and exercising like I'm supposed to, I haven't thrown anything up, so why go get help when I'm doing so well? The problem is that there aren't always days like today. There are days when I feel disgusting and not good enough, and I'll beat myself up over it. That's the one thing that I can't change. I can change my eating habits and I can change my exercise habits, but I can't change my thinking habits. That's too hard to do on my own. I need somebody else to help me with that. No matter how many psychology courses I take, no matter how much I learn about my disorder, I still can't fix myself from it. I'm going to need another person, which is exactly what I'm going to do.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Sunday, April 10, 2011

It Breaks My Heart

Dear Readers,

I have a few things that I wanna write about. First, I worked out and burned a little over 400 calories today, which I'm thrilled about. And on top of that, I didn't overeat! I'm really proud of myself, this is a great start for my new routine. Hopefully I can keep it going!

Second, I was talking to a girl on another blog site that I'm on and she's interested in doing the same work out routine with me, which is great! I'm happy to let other people know what the schedule is and have them do it with me so we can motivate each other. But what I found so alarming was the fact that she's fifteen and anorexic. I'm not sure why, but it makes me want to cry. Being so young and dealing with such a horrible disorder, I feel awful. I just want to reach out to her and say you're only fifteen, you don't need to worry about things like this! Stay innocent! Of course I can't do that though, the only connection I have with young girls like this is through the internet. I'm not their older sister who can help out and make sure they take care of themselves, I'm just a girl on the internet who has a similar disorder. I see so many young girls like this one girl and it breaks my heart. I know that I can't stop my own disorder, but I want to stop theirs so bad. I wouldn't want anybody feeling the way that I do because it takes control of your life. It rules my life and I can't stop it or think about anything else.

Anyway, I'm sorry for my negative ranting. The work out is going well, so that's always a positive thing.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Work Out Routine Is In Progress

Dear Readers,

I officially started my new workout routine today! I'm really excited about it because I have other people doing it with me. I think having others doing the same thing as me is going to help motivate me to get to where I wanna be. And right now, I'm definitely not where I wanna be. I want to lose thirty pounds. I don't think it's going to be easy, and I'm not even sure if it's possible, but I'm gonna try really really hard. I'm going to follow my schedule and make sure I don't over eat. I'm keeping a calorie count again, which is something I haven't done in awhile. I did it for a good few weeks straight and then got caught up with other things and forgot to update it. But I erased all of the old information and I'm starting new! So now I'll know exactly what I'm putting in my body and what I'm burning off. Speaking of, I have to record how many calories I burned as well.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Regret?

Dear Readers,

I told my roommates last night that I have an eating disorder. They weren't surprised, they could tell that something was majorly wrong. Of course I was drunk at the time too, so that didnt' really make things that fantastic, and it's probably the only reason that I actually told them about it. But I told them. Before, I was debating whether or not to tell them because I haven't known them for a long time. I don't trust them just yet, maybe I'll never get that close to them. So I wasn't planning on telling them. But when I'm drunk, I'm all talk with no filter. But waking up this morning, with my hangover and all, I didn't regret telling them. Not yet at least.

What I found strange from our conversation is that when I told them I'm afraid to tell my parents, they basically said that I shouldn't and don't have to. I figured they would say yes, you should just talk to them and let them help you, but they didn't say that at all. They said that if I'm getting help and I'm getting help for myself, then there's no need to tell them at all. It made me realize that I feel bad for keeping such a secret from my family and that maybe I should tell them. I still have that fear of upsetting them though, that's what's holding me back. I still have some time to decide though.

Five more days until I see the counselor. My roommates were happy to hear that I'm going to get help, which was nice. They were very nice and supportive and they understand. We'll soon see if I regret telling them my secret. Let's hope I don't though!

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Friday, April 08, 2011

I Gave In

Dear Readers,

I gave in. I ate ice cream and I threw up some of it. I couldn't help myself. I bought ice cream and said this was going to be the last day that I ever eat ice cream! And then I just felt so terrible I had to throw up some of it. I only threw up some of it because I began to feel dizzy and had to stop. It's weird, I won't ever throw up a lot, I'm not sure why. It makes me feel like I'm not a real bulimic. I'm the fake bulimic, I can't even throw up everything I eat. But anyway, I threw up some of the ice cream and I strangely feel better about it, even though I did feel dizzy for a little bit.

On a more positive note, I start my new work out routine on Sunday! I'm pretty excited for it because I think it's going to work this time. Wish me luck! Sorry this post is short, I only really needed to talk about how I threw up today =/. Sorry for the depressing post guys.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Can't Look At Myself

Dear Readers,

I can't look at myself in the mirror, yet I find myself looking all the time. It doesn't make sense, I know. I'm constantly looking in mirrors just to see if I look alright. Some days I approve. But there are days that I look in the mirror and I can't stand what I see. I literally hate myself sometimes. I think that's the worst part about it, hating what you're looking at and have a horrible feeling that you can't do anything to change it. I want to change it so bad though. I give in to food too easily sometimes though. I don't have enough motivation to just say no, you don't need to eat any more. That's why I'm jealous of the pro-ana girls I see. Their motivation and focus is clear and precise, their dedication is evident. I know my focus, but I seem to forget my motivation and dedication.

I made a new workout routine recently. I work out five days a week, making sure I focus on cardio. I do abs on some days and legs and arms on other days, depending on the day. Every two weeks I'll increase the amount of cardio I do, so hopefully my body will start to burn more fat and my metabolism will quicken as time goes on. I'm praying that it works because I don't want to go home over summer break and have peopel say wow, she gained that freshman fifteen. I know girls that have and I hear what people say about them behind their backs, and it's horrible and cruel. People can be quick to judge and very harsh, it's so unfortunate. I'm not perfect either, I know everybody judges. I've been trying to become a better person though, so I'm working on it.

I told you guys that I would write about telling me family about my eating disorder, so I guess I can write about that now. There are many things that I haven't told my family, such as when I used to cut myself and how there were times when I thought I wanted to end my life. I'm pretty much getting over that, so I don't feel the need to tell them about it. So should it be the same for this? I'm going to get help, and I'm going to try and lose weight in a more healthy way, so hopefully I will change. So is there even a need to tell them? Everybody that I talked to said that I should tell them, that it will help me in the long run. I'm not sure how it will help me in the long run though. I know that if I tell them, they'll be upset and maybe disappointed, and I don't want that at all. I'm afraid of hurting them. Ignorance is bliss, right? I'd rather them have no idea and just deal with this on my own. I'm still debating about it, so I haven't completely made up my mind, I'm going to talk to the counselor about it and see what she thinks I should do. I have a feeling she's going to tell me to tell them. Just one more week and I'll officially be getting help.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Thursday, April 07, 2011

I'm Giving In

Dear Readers,

I feel myself giving in again. I didn't really eat a whole lot today. Just an eggwhite sandwich, a salad, and half of a chicken sub. The only things I had inbetween were a Kudos bar and some jellybeans. I didn't really eat healthy though, and I felt really full for some reason. Probably because I didn't space out what I ate. I just ate three big meals basically. So I feel really full right now.

I see pro-ana girls posting thinspiration and writing about how they had 200 calories to eat today, and that made them feel fat. I eat 1300 more calories than them and that makes me feel fat. It also makes me feel like a failure because I can't limit my food as much as they can. I'm sort of jealous of them. They have control, I don't. What did I do? I ate a lot and then decided to throw it up. It makes me feel lazy and gross and fat.

So it basically feels like I'm going back to where I started. And it only took me two days to go right back to it. I haven't thrown up today because the things that I ate are pretty hard to throw up. I'm not really sure what to do now. Nine more days everybody, just nine more days.

My next post is going to be on telling my family what's been going on.

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Did Alright Today

Dear Readers,

Next Friday is my first counseling session (not ever). I've been to this counselor before and I told her about my eating problems, but we mostly focused on my school work and stress from that. This time around, I plan on focusing on my eating disorder. So the coundown begins! Ten days!

Today I tried really really hard to not over eat and to eat pretty healthy, and I succeeded! For breakfast I had an eggwhite sandwich (wheat bread, spinach, and shredded cheese in it), for lunch I had vegetable lo mein, green beans, and two dumplings. For dinner I had some salmon and a bit of rice and beans, but I wasn't a huge fan of the rice and beans. I had little snacks in between. I never felt full, but I never really felt empty either. I drank only water throughout the day as well, which helped me feel fuller so I didn't eat any more than I should have. There were certain foods that were just begging me to eat them, but I stopped myself, and it felt great!

So today overall was a good day. My only fear is that I won't be able to keep this up. I'm afraid that I'm going to give in to the food and eat too much. Will I throw it up after knowing what I do now? I'm not sure. I found otu that by throwing up your food, you start to gain weight, which is my biggest fear. I don't want that all, I want to lose weight. Thirty pounds worth of weight. And if I can't do it by throwing up, then how else can I do it? Of course I know the other options, but they're not good enough. I need to lose it fast, I want to lose it fast. My current plan is to eat healthy and slowly increase the intensity of my workouts. Maybe it will work?

Sincerely,

its_only_life

Start of Something New

Dear Readers,

I'm going to do this blog in letter form. I think it looks pretty cool, no? Anyway, if you haven't already read the About Me section, I am its_only_life, or you can call me by my real name, also stated in the About Me section. You can call me whatever you want (as long as it's not negative or degrading of course).

I started this blog because I recently decided to get help for my eating disorder. Just yesterday I called the counseling center at my school for an appointment actually! I want to write about how I'm recovering, if I ever recover, and what it's like. I suppose I should explain what I have.

I have bulimia nervosa. Basically, I will purposely throw up my food. I first started this when I was a sophomore in high school. My mother made a comment about something I was eating, and it made me feel so bad that I threw it up. It scared me a little, so I didn't throw up again until two years later. I was a senior in high school when I tried it again. It was a bit scary, but I did it anyway. I didn't do it often. It wasn't until I entered my freshman year in college that I did it at least once a week. Within the past few months, I would throw up around two to three times a week. I would only throw up if I felt I ate too much of something "bad." I wouldn't say that I'm a severe case just because I don't throw up regularly, but I know that it's a problem. I discovered it was a problem when I started to get headaches after I threw up and I felt very dizzy. My voice became slightly hoarse as well. The physical reasons are just one portion of why I decided to get help. I also decided to get help because of something my best friend told me. He said that if something bad happened to me and he didn't say anything about it, he would feel like a horrible person and would blame himself. I love my best friend to death and I would never want to put him in that situation. I also wouldn't want to put my family in that situation. They're worried about me enough as it is with the stress of school.

So that's basically the whole story! I will try to post as often as possible to update everybody reading. My purpose is to have other people understand what I'm going through, and if you're going through the same thing, hopefully encourage you to get some sort of help. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I'm open to talking about it. Thank you and happy blogging!

Sincerely,

its_only_life