Monday, May 09, 2011

Frustration and Confusion

Dear Readers,

Today is my appointment at the Heath Center on campus. I had to schedule this appointment so they can check me out and make sure I haven't done any serious damage to my body. I had to reschedule this appointment twice because they kept scheduling me on the wrong days, and apparently my "type" of appointment takes longer than normal appointments. At first I liked the sound of that, my "type" of appointment. It made me feel important, like I had something important to take care of. But now I'm just ashamed of it. Not sure why my point of view on it has changed though. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid they're going to pity me. I normally like it when people feel bad for me because they'll listen to me and try to help me. But right now, I feel like I don't want to be helped. I want to figure this out on my own and fix myself. But this is the price that I pay for reaching out to get help. I'm almost regretting it. I mean, I haven't thrown up in more than a week now, and it wasn't even hard! I ate really well, never over ate anything. And I did it all by myself.

But then again, I could just as easily slip back into what I used to do, right? It's happened before. This has been the longest I've been able to take care of myself though, and I think I can still do it. I don't know, I really don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe because I've been seeing a counselor it makes me feel better, so as a result I eat healthy and continue to keep the food in my body. But maybe my current motivation is strong enough to keep my going (I have to wear a bikini this weekend so I want to look good). Is that motivation enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so frustrated and confused and I just want to be on my own already with nobody to bother me. I know that's not an option at this point in the game though.



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