I feel myself giving in again. I didn't really eat a whole lot today. Just an eggwhite sandwich, a salad, and half of a chicken sub. The only things I had inbetween were a Kudos bar and some jellybeans. I didn't really eat healthy though, and I felt really full for some reason. Probably because I didn't space out what I ate. I just ate three big meals basically. So I feel really full right now.
I see pro-ana girls posting thinspiration and writing about how they had 200 calories to eat today, and that made them feel fat. I eat 1300 more calories than them and that makes me feel fat. It also makes me feel like a failure because I can't limit my food as much as they can. I'm sort of jealous of them. They have control, I don't. What did I do? I ate a lot and then decided to throw it up. It makes me feel lazy and gross and fat.
So it basically feels like I'm going back to where I started. And it only took me two days to go right back to it. I haven't thrown up today because the things that I ate are pretty hard to throw up. I'm not really sure what to do now. Nine more days everybody, just nine more days.
My next post is going to be on telling my family what's been going on.