I went to my first session with the counselor, and it went very well. I've met her before, so I'm pretty comfortable talking to her. After getting past the hello how are you's, I told her that my best friend and roommates have been worried about me and I've been throwing up more often, and this is why I decided to come get help. I mentioned how I started noticing the negative effects of bulimia, my head hurting and feeling dizzy and what not. She then started asking questions about my habits, what I eat, how I feel. She also asked about my mom, and I told her basically nothing changed. If anything, I'm more confused about what she thinks because she told me that she supports me losing weight, but to my sister she said that I don't need to lose weight.
We then came up with a plan for what to do next. First, she gave me the number to the nutritionist so I can make an appointment with her. Then we made an appointment with the health center so they can make sure I haven't done too much damage to my body, which we don't think I have because I haven't been doing this for long. And last we made another appointment with her. I was surprised when she told me that we're not going to try and stop me from throwing up right away. She just said to work on not throwing up more than I normally do, to keep it at two to three times a week like it's been lately. Now that I think of it, it makes some sense. It would be hard to get me to completely stop all at once. At the same time though, I don't think it would be hard to completely stop. I estimated around two to three times a week, but I'm not really sure if I do it that often. So I don't think it'd be hard to just stop throwing up completely. But then again, you never know. I have weak spots.
Another thing that happened was trying to get me to find someone to talk to over the summer. Since my counselor is on campus, I can't see her over the summer obviously. This part scared me because this would involve telling my parents about what's been going on. I really don't want to do that, especially not tell my mom, because I know it would devastate her. I feel horrible just writing about it right now. It would break her heart, and I don't want to hurt her. The counselor said that we won't worry about that until the next time we meet though.
So now I am officially in recovery. It feels good, but at the same time it's hard. I want to lose weight, and I have destructive ways of doing it at times, and I'm afraid of having people stop me from doing it. But there are days when I know that I need help. I'm not really sure how to feel about it at this point.