Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I spring break takes up a lot of time...well not really, it just lets me relax a lot, haha. Anyway, so The counselor said that I should limit myself to throwing up only two to three times a week, which is what I told her I was normally doing. I thought maybe I might have exaggerated a bit, so I didn't think that it would be a hard task to limit myself. But strangely enough, I've already thrown up three times this week, and knowing that I need to limit myself and I can't throw up any more is a little nerve racking. I'm afraid that I'm going to slip and eat something that I shouldn't eat, or eat too much of something and want to throw up, but I know that I can't because I already threw up three times this week. It's really weird to be in this situation because I really didn't think that my condition was that serious. Apparently it is.
Now that I'm home, I have to get grief from my mom about how I look and weigh. It's not anything that she actually says, it's more of what she does. She doesn't look at me when I walk into a room, she looks at a part of my body. Lately I've been asking her what she's looking at and she just says that I either walked into her field of view or she's looking at something near me. I usually believe her, but there are times that I don't believe her. It really hurts me knowing that she's so critical. You wanna know what she said to me? My brother is very very thin and tall, and me and my sister are average height and not so thin. She told me that me and my sister should have gotten the thin trait and my brother should have gotten the bulkier trait. At first I agreed with her, and I really do, but I actually thought about what she said and realized how hurtful it was. She basically said that she wished I was skinnier, less bulky, more thin. She always says things like that. She won't out right say that I'm fat, she'll find different ways to say it so she doesn't offend me. Little does she know I'm throwing up in an attempt to get thinner and making sure I exercise so I don't get any fatter. She makes me hate my body more and more each day I'm around her. I started throwing up in the first place be cause of a comment she made about me getting heavier. And she has no idea, she doesn't see it at all.
I truly wish I had the motivation and determination to become anorexic, because if I did? I'd be so thin. And maybe she'd start making comments about how thin I am, not how muscularly built I am. Maybe she'd become concerned. I wish she would. All I want is for her to say I love you the way you are, but no. She can't even do that. She constantly puts me down in little ways, and I hate it. I try not to say hate too often because it's a strong word and I really don't hate anything, but this I truly do hate. There's nothing that I hate more in the world than my mother's comments about my body and how I look. I pray that it would stop. I pray that I'll become thinner so it will stop and I will finally be happy.