Friday, April 08, 2011

Can't Look At Myself

Dear Readers,

I can't look at myself in the mirror, yet I find myself looking all the time. It doesn't make sense, I know. I'm constantly looking in mirrors just to see if I look alright. Some days I approve. But there are days that I look in the mirror and I can't stand what I see. I literally hate myself sometimes. I think that's the worst part about it, hating what you're looking at and have a horrible feeling that you can't do anything to change it. I want to change it so bad though. I give in to food too easily sometimes though. I don't have enough motivation to just say no, you don't need to eat any more. That's why I'm jealous of the pro-ana girls I see. Their motivation and focus is clear and precise, their dedication is evident. I know my focus, but I seem to forget my motivation and dedication.

I made a new workout routine recently. I work out five days a week, making sure I focus on cardio. I do abs on some days and legs and arms on other days, depending on the day. Every two weeks I'll increase the amount of cardio I do, so hopefully my body will start to burn more fat and my metabolism will quicken as time goes on. I'm praying that it works because I don't want to go home over summer break and have peopel say wow, she gained that freshman fifteen. I know girls that have and I hear what people say about them behind their backs, and it's horrible and cruel. People can be quick to judge and very harsh, it's so unfortunate. I'm not perfect either, I know everybody judges. I've been trying to become a better person though, so I'm working on it.

I told you guys that I would write about telling me family about my eating disorder, so I guess I can write about that now. There are many things that I haven't told my family, such as when I used to cut myself and how there were times when I thought I wanted to end my life. I'm pretty much getting over that, so I don't feel the need to tell them about it. So should it be the same for this? I'm going to get help, and I'm going to try and lose weight in a more healthy way, so hopefully I will change. So is there even a need to tell them? Everybody that I talked to said that I should tell them, that it will help me in the long run. I'm not sure how it will help me in the long run though. I know that if I tell them, they'll be upset and maybe disappointed, and I don't want that at all. I'm afraid of hurting them. Ignorance is bliss, right? I'd rather them have no idea and just deal with this on my own. I'm still debating about it, so I haven't completely made up my mind, I'm going to talk to the counselor about it and see what she thinks I should do. I have a feeling she's going to tell me to tell them. Just one more week and I'll officially be getting help.



1 comment:

  1. If you parents love you and understanding, it is okay to tell them. All you really need is love. I know that fear really... but it is a risk really. Ignorance can be a bliss at times... but sometimes, its not always. Since you are seeing your counselor, why not talk about your concern to the counselor instead and see what he/she says to you?

    I used to be like that as well - I do not like what I see in the mirror. But then... eventually, I like what I see... and if you keep improving yourself... people might see you differently. Just do what you need and keep doing. I know temptation is everywhere. I had mine too... and you might go into withdrawal. The hardest part is fighting in what you believe in... so keep fighting.